A strange string of thoughts

Okay... so Amy woke up humming the tune to "Those were the days" which got me humming it.  Then I played it on YouTube and that made me think of songs by Doris Day.  So I played a little Doris Day.  In that list she sang a song with a co-star, Gordon MacRae.  It was a lovely song and his voice was really amazing.  I was surprised I had not remembered the actor.  So I looked him up on wikipedia.  His bio sums up with, "Gordon died in 1986 at his home in Lincoln, Nebraska." My home town!  It was just sorta weird.  So I looked up more and found a picture of his headstone in Wyuka Cemetery.  That particular graveyard is the largest I can recall in Lincoln.  Related to that search I found out that his widow died just a couple of week ago (also in Lincoln).

Strange how things work when we start chasing a string of thoughts.

Dominating my thoughts has been Doris Day.  On one side I know virtually all the roles she most fondly remembered for were so completely sexist and stereotyping.  Yet, how could you not dream of that perfect Hollywood world?  Movies have certainly changed.  But I still look back on those films (old even before I discovered them) as some of the best I've seen.  Doris, of course, is an amazing performer.  I do wonder sometimes who the greatest actors of our time will turn out to be.  I think folks will look back on Sandra Bullock in a similar way as Doris Day, but Sandra will never carry a tune the same way.  Hard to say what time will bring.

Doris Day is still knocking around after all these years.  Born in 1922, she'll be 88 this year.  I don't think I discovered her until the mid 80's so she would have been in her 60's already.  Ah the magic of movies... Doris will be stealing the hearts of young fans for at least a 100 years.

The real Doris Mary Ann Kappelhoff lived a far from perfect life.  Her story is inspiring by itself.  It highlights many of the flaws remaining in American gender roles at the same time it tells of her ability to overcome.  I only hope I can be so resilient in my own life.  When Doris sings in my mind, I feel I can be.

NZ couple win Lumberjack competition while 6 months pregnant

Here's a nice kiwi woman for ya...

http://nz.news.yahoo.com/a/-/top-stories/5758768/nz-couple-chop-down-lumberjack-opposition/

A New Zealand couple have cleaned up at the 50th Lumberjack World Championships at Hayward, Wisconsin.

On Monday (NZ time) Jason Wynyard, 34, of Auckland, won five events, was second in two others, and easily captured his 11th consecutive all-around championship, the New York Times reported.

He and his wife, Karmyn -- who won two events despite being six months pregnant -- combined to win the jack and jill double buck (two-person sawing).

There were 114 professional competitors this year watched by 4500 spectators.

Jason Wynyard -- the only full-time competitor in the field -- was "built like an NFL defensive end with a buzz cut," the New York Times reported. "He speaks softly and carries a metal box of axes that hack through 30cm of aspen in little more than 15 seconds, and sheaths of 180cm-long saw blades that cut through 50cm pine logs in about 10sec.

Together, he and Karmyn won $US6175 ($NZ9511).

"What the Lumberjack World Championships lack in prize money it makes up for in prestige," the newspaper reported.

The Wynyards compete mostly in New Zealand and Australia, and used to chase summer to North America, competing every weekend for three months.

But the circuit has shrunk in recent years, and they now only go for the world championships and the Timbersports series, sponsored by a chainsaw maker.

"I had big hopes," Jason Wynyard said of when he started his career in the mid-1990s. "I thought maybe it's going to really take off and be something big.

"It's a great spectator sport. But it hasn't really taken off. It's gone the other way, which is too bad."

The competition saws cost $US1500 to $US1800 each, and most serious competitors own several.

Axes can cost $US500 each, and competitors may own 20.

***

Kiwi's... our pregnant women can kick your ass!

More advice for Husbands and Wives

This picture has nothing to do with the post... But ain't it a hoot!?

A lot of what I've "discovered" about relationships isn't new.  Obviously, relationships are as old as humanity (maybe older depending on your metaphysical views).  Yet still folks commonly make the same mistakes generation after generation.  Why?

I think the answer boils down to, "We just don't think about it."  We learn virtually everything from our own families.  It isn't a classroom but, just the same, we see how our parents managed and we tend to manage things the same way.  Including all the mistakes and bad habits.  But then we rarely take time to really break down these behaviors and decide if we should keep them or not.  We just "do" and hope for the best.

The human being is an amazing creature.  We take decades to develop.  While the law of the land typically calls us "adult" at 18, this has no bearing on reality.  Our schools and our society do not focus on real development.  They focus on learning and education... but not on being whole and complete people.  In fact, we often teach ideals contrary to being complete people.  This is what I'd like to focus on for the new couple...  You have to be happy with yourself (alone) before you can really be happy with your partner.  This means you have to be a whole person to begin with... not a "half person" looking for their other half.

Being happy with yourself is hard to define.  But I think I can give some examples of how to tell if you're probably not quite done yet.  If you are out of a relationship and you can't seem to think of anything else than how to get back in a relationship... You might have some work to do yet.  If you are never happy when you're alone or if you imagine that everything would be more fun with a partner, then you should also take a little pause to ponder why that is.  In many cases, folks would say that these things are really true--that life is always better with a spouse and that we should all be working on acquiring one.  While having a spouse is immensly satisfying and can add to your well-being as a person, having a partner isn't a specific cure to being an incomplete person.

Finding someone that seems to fill in the holes in your life may be very comforting at first, it also may not last.  It's not entirely stable especially if you're not even aware that you've done it.  Imagine that I have no right arm.  Suddenly, I meet a woman with a very functional right arm and when we stand side-by-side we can make great sandwiches.... ahhhh life is grand.  But then I sit down to type a blog and it just doesn't work.  She may be able to intuitively help me be a complete sandwich maker, but she can't possibly work a normal keyboard in unison with me.  She ends up feeling inadequate that she can not fix this part of me and I may even resent her for not being able to help with blogs as well as she helps with sandwiches.  We may try for years to make blog writing work.  Whether we are ultimately successful or not, the struggle with tax the relationship.  If we encounter a number of other common relationship problems, the burden may just be too great and we'll grow apart.

Relationships are long-shot bets at the best of times.  Every advantage you can leverage to help you be successful should be greedily exploited.  If you come to your relationship with a burden of painful loneliness and past broken promises, you'll probably be looking at your new partner to cure all of these.  It's not fair to ask that of someone.  We have to find our own peace and then come to our new relationships at peace with ourselves, our goals, desires, dreams and feelings.  Sharing a life with someone is not about leaning on someone to make up for things you are not happy with in yourself.

Knowing when you are a "whole person" probably isn't possible.  I'm sure it's a goal that we would strive for our entire lives.  So don't take this to mean you can't ever find a mate or ever be attracted to things in a mate that you find missing in yourself.  But do take those opportunities to learn from your partner to be these things you admire.  Do take time to think about yourself and why you do the things you do.  Try to define what you like in your partner and ponder why you like that so much.  We could all do with a little more introspection.  Take some time to really think about these things.  I mean, ideally your relationship is going to last a lifetime, right?  You can afford to sit back and really think about it.

Advice for New and/or Old Husbands - Part II

Defend your wife even if she is wrong.

This is related to not always being Right.  Nobody is perfect, not even brillant husbands.  While we all acknowledge this we seem to only rarely practice it.  We are quick to point out flaws and mistakes.  Sometimes we feel obligated to fix or correct our wives.  Don't do it.  Try (and I mean really try) to do what it takes to make her successful without challenging the way she wants to do it.  I realize this may seem patronizing or just silly so I'm going to expand a bit--stay with me.

Being married is somewhat special and unique.  You're probably not engaged in a lot of relationships that are the same as the relationship you have with your wife.  This is more than just a partnership or an agreement.  This person is with you.  I mean *with* you.  The both of you are together.  The journey you take will be full of triumphs and mistakes.  When she is doing everything right and blazing a trail, you are right there with her celebrating and sharing her happiness.  So it follows that when she wrong you are still with her--not chiding or correcting, but with her.  Maybe what ever it is will fail, but she'll see that soon enough and she'll appreciate you more for trying to support her than for trying to parent her.

There is another fact of life to be considered--life is hard.  Our lives are filled with challenges.  There are people we don't like, but have to work with anyway.  There are politicians telling us how to live.  There are endless bureauracies telling us we used the wrong form or filed it incorrectly.  You wife will be told she is wrong by the whole rest of the world.  She doesn't need you to tell her too.  If there is one person in the whole world she doesn't need criticizing her, it is you.  Let the world be hard--don't be hard on your wife.

This isn't to say you can't voice your opinions or help out.  Obviously if you see that your wife's contraption she's using to get on the roof is about to collapse, then get in there and point out the danger.  But aside from issues of personal safety, stay on her side. 

Also remember that to her A + Yellow = C.  So while you might be quietly thinking she's wrong, she might turn out to be surprisingly right.  Give her the chance to prove it.  Your wife chose you after all.  Hopefully this was a good choice.  If it was, then odds are your wife is a pretty smart cookie.  If it turns out that she really is wrong, then she'll realize it soon enough.  If it turns out she's right, then you saved yourself from looking stupid.  There's no downside to supporting your wife right or wrong.

Advice for New and/or Old Husbands - Part I

There are few things I've observed over the years that I think all new husbands should be aware of.  Women often think differently about things and I don't think I (or any other man) will ever truly understand the women we live with, but you can still just stick to some simple rules to stay happier in your relationship.

Logic is not the only way to think.

Most men are logic thinkers.  A+B always equals C.  If A is an unproven argument then the conclussion C is not valid.  This is great in the business world, but it is never going to work in a personal relationship.  Logic thinking is very comfortable to men.  When we encounter a problem, whether it be "how do I  get across the river" or "why is my wife crying", we tend to fall back to our good buddy Logic to assess the problem, design a solution and implement the solution.  Unfortunately, your wife is not a Rubik's Cube--which is a good thing because I can't figure those out either.

The human being is a fantastic creature, both male and female.  For whatever reason, the Grand Design of life allows for great diversity.  So fella's open your heads and let go of Logic.  It works when it works, but it isn't the only right way to think.  Your wife will do something like this... A + Yellow equals C.  You will have no idea where she came up with Yellow.  She probably won't either.  Now "C" will be the same "C" you got by A+B, but she won't get there the same way.  A+ Yellow = C is still completely valid even if you don't understand how she got there.  You aren't "more right" because you can prove your arguments--Logic isn't superior in this example.

Often there is more than one "right" answer to any question.  When dealing with your life partner on an issue, you have to question whether your "right answer" is worth hurting her feelings.  This is true of all personal conflicts, not just husbands and wives and not just men and women.  Men often get caught up in being Right.  It isn't enough to just get our way--we have to be Right.  We always have to be Right, decisive and confident.  It's just a guy thing.  But when it comes to your wife, guys, let it go.  A happy wife is much more valuable than proving yourself Right and crushing her spirit.  Again, there is more than one correct solution to any problem (short of mathematics).  This doesn't mean you never get to be Right, just be careful that you don't make being Right more important than being married.

To summarize, don't use Logic on your wife or, at least, when you do and it doesn't work, don't assume she's wrong and you can prove it.  Women generally have very high opinions of the men they love and when those men prove them wrong or quash their opinions it really hurts their feelings.  There have been times in my life where I *knew* something was right.  I couldn't prove it, but I felt it and as it turned out my hunch was correct.  I bet we all have had some similar experience.  Think of this as how your wife works.  She *knows* something.  She isn't sure why or how and she can't prove it, but more often than not she'll be correct.  Trust her.