A lot of what I've "discovered" about relationships isn't new. Obviously, relationships are as old as humanity (maybe older depending on your metaphysical views). Yet still folks commonly make the same mistakes generation after generation. Why?
I think the answer boils down to, "We just don't think about it." We learn virtually everything from our own families. It isn't a classroom but, just the same, we see how our parents managed and we tend to manage things the same way. Including all the mistakes and bad habits. But then we rarely take time to really break down these behaviors and decide if we should keep them or not. We just "do" and hope for the best.
The human being is an amazing creature. We take decades to develop. While the law of the land typically calls us "adult" at 18, this has no bearing on reality. Our schools and our society do not focus on real development. They focus on learning and education... but not on being whole and complete people. In fact, we often teach ideals contrary to being complete people. This is what I'd like to focus on for the new couple... You have to be happy with yourself (alone) before you can really be happy with your partner. This means you have to be a whole person to begin with... not a "half person" looking for their other half.
Being happy with yourself is hard to define. But I think I can give some examples of how to tell if you're probably not quite done yet. If you are out of a relationship and you can't seem to think of anything else than how to get back in a relationship... You might have some work to do yet. If you are never happy when you're alone or if you imagine that everything would be more fun with a partner, then you should also take a little pause to ponder why that is. In many cases, folks would say that these things are really true--that life is always better with a spouse and that we should all be working on acquiring one. While having a spouse is immensly satisfying and can add to your well-being as a person, having a partner isn't a specific cure to being an incomplete person.
Finding someone that seems to fill in the holes in your life may be very comforting at first, it also may not last. It's not entirely stable especially if you're not even aware that you've done it. Imagine that I have no right arm. Suddenly, I meet a woman with a very functional right arm and when we stand side-by-side we can make great sandwiches.... ahhhh life is grand. But then I sit down to type a blog and it just doesn't work. She may be able to intuitively help me be a complete sandwich maker, but she can't possibly work a normal keyboard in unison with me. She ends up feeling inadequate that she can not fix this part of me and I may even resent her for not being able to help with blogs as well as she helps with sandwiches. We may try for years to make blog writing work. Whether we are ultimately successful or not, the struggle with tax the relationship. If we encounter a number of other common relationship problems, the burden may just be too great and we'll grow apart.
Relationships are long-shot bets at the best of times. Every advantage you can leverage to help you be successful should be greedily exploited. If you come to your relationship with a burden of painful loneliness and past broken promises, you'll probably be looking at your new partner to cure all of these. It's not fair to ask that of someone. We have to find our own peace and then come to our new relationships at peace with ourselves, our goals, desires, dreams and feelings. Sharing a life with someone is not about leaning on someone to make up for things you are not happy with in yourself.
Knowing when you are a "whole person" probably isn't possible. I'm sure it's a goal that we would strive for our entire lives. So don't take this to mean you can't ever find a mate or ever be attracted to things in a mate that you find missing in yourself. But do take those opportunities to learn from your partner to be these things you admire. Do take time to think about yourself and why you do the things you do. Try to define what you like in your partner and ponder why you like that so much. We could all do with a little more introspection. Take some time to really think about these things. I mean, ideally your relationship is going to last a lifetime, right? You can afford to sit back and really think about it.
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