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Just some random stuff for tesing out iPad blogging.

30 days hath December

My folks are trying to book tickets for their visit in December through January.  They'll be here 30 days and with them they are bringing Sabrina.  Travel is inconstant between New Zealand and the US.  Invariably things go awry and because of these I haven't seen her in more than 2 years.

30 days seems like such a short time now.  I did the math and if each of those days were mapped to a year then each day would be equal to 12 days.  My heart flutters at the sensation of time rushing by so fast.  Each day like 12!  A month every 2 and half days.  Time is so precious.  That is just my thought for the day.

Learning about Me

I made a bit of a profound discovery today while working with Chandler on homeschooling.  We just finished reading "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn" and I want him to do some sort of project to express what he thought was important out of the book.  I bet most of us ended up doing a book report on it.  That was pretty lame and I don't really care about a written report as much as I care about Chandler making a connection with the book.  And then it hit me...

All of our learning, all of our lives has really been a self discovery.  All this time I thought I was learning about the topic (e.g. how to do maths, how to break down a problem, etc.) and I was partly, but for the larger part I was actually learning about me.  I learned problem solving quickly and so I discovered I have good analysis skills.  I read and write well and so discovered that I can express myself that way best.  When I fell in love with the works of Mark Twain and J.R.R Tolkien, I discovered even more about me through their characters.  Each iota of learning clings to a part of me and helps me see it more clearly.  The comparison goes on and on. 

Things I struggle with tell me just as much as things I pick up quickly.  As strange as it sounds, it is all about me.  And it is all about you too.  I once read, "The process of learning is only taking that which we already know and making us conscious of it."  I can now add to this sublime phrase and say that all that we learn is a discovery of ourselves.

It seems all our life is a discovery of what we are and what place we hold. 

Thanksgiving 2010

Hey, today is Thanksgiving in the US and Friday after in New Zealand.

For the first couple of years we tried to do a little celebration here in Wellington.  But it was, of course, nothing like home.  A family holiday just isn't a family holiday with no family and when no one else is celebrating. 

NZ has a number of good substitutions so we certainly don't suffer from lack of great food or days off.  For me, I only miss the chance to get together with everyone, to putter around my parent's house, and get to hang out with my brother(s) and sister.  I haven't seen my nieces and nephew in years.  And of course I miss Chandler and Sabrina most of all.  **Hugs** for you all.

Today is beautiful.  A stunning warm day by the sea in New Zealand.  The other night the full spread of the southern stars were out.  The moon over the water is as stunning as the sun.  Life still has its complexities, but it is good.  I am thankful for all these things I have seen and done.  I am always hopeful for the chance to visit and see more family more often.  I take full advantage of each day by the beach.  I climb mountains and ride along coasts.  I tramp through cool woods and look out from wild high places.

Life is never perfect.  Life is always perfect.

Happy Thanksgiving one and all.  Looking forward to seeing you on the horizon very soon!

A Good Career

Boy... I remember being very worried in high school about finding a job that paid well.  That was so important since work was essentially the thing you did to fund the things you wanted to do.  I bet a lot of the world operates this way... work hard, sacrifice, and trade these for the things you really want... A good retirement, the dream home, travel, a family, or whatever you wanted.

Well at 40 I feel I am qualified to say to this notion, "Get stuffed!"  I have only now realized that life is going to be lived no matter what.  Working hard for a lifetime only guarantees you'll be working hard for a lifetime.  It never guarantees that you'll someday get to do what you wanted.  While it still necessary to plan and have goals, one shouldn't immediately assume that the "right" thing to do is start a career making a lot of money as a means to enjoy the rest of your life.

Perhaps it was obvious to everyone else except for me.  But we spend like a lot of time working... I have hard time drawing a line between my life and my work.  Now I think maybe there never was a line! What I should have been doing is just enjoying myself and let life shape itself around me.

But now I'm hooked on my income like a junkie on crack.  I couldn't change careers now even if I knew what to change to.  I'm far too technical minded to leave technology behind and yet I'm not geeky enough to devour the immense details of a "related" field.  Of course, I'm sure a lot of things look like more fun from my chair and somewhere I'm sure there is a starving video game producer wish he had a cherry stable job at the phone company.  I am thankful that things have worked out so well for me.  I certainly didn't try really hard to end up as a network design engineer.  I just sorta did stuff other folks didn't seem to know how to do.  A great deal of what I do is take other folks' great ideas and ask them why they don't just do it.  It isn't a bad gig to be sure.

I do have a burning desire to someone how tell a kid (maybe even just one kid) how to pick a career and get them started off the right way.  Ah, wisdom... How do you really pass it down?

All things Work and Home

It's been a while since I posted here.  As I've commented before, the "micro" blogging tools like Facebook and Twitter seem to reduce the need to write--probably artificially.  No excuses--just saying.

So what's been up?  Too much work.  I have a large project that just hit it's busy stride in May/June/July.  I think it should calm down a bit, but the project wounds are still fresh so much smaller annoyances seem to derail me with greater effect.  It's hard to put so much energy and time in on a thing only watch it flounder.  This difficult enough by itself, but there was about a 30 day stretch where it appeared I was being held personally responsible for a degree of the failures.  I suppose in the Royal We way I am part of the project so I am part of the team.  But this was particularly hard to take as it seemed the customer was quite happy with what was happening.  My own management team was not.  Of course, in business you have to keep your bosses happy and I suppose that was my mistake.  I still find this de-motivating.  But that's business when you work for someone else.

Aside from work we've been shivering our way through a cold winter in Wellington.  I've seen frost on several days this year.  It was even so cold that my motorcycle wouldn't start for a week.

My father-in-law flew in for his usual trip in July/Aug to see us, the grandson, and participate in the grandson's birthday.  I feel a bit sorry for the old guy this year as the weather has been awful! But even bad weather in Wellington is pretty mild.

We took a few days to drive up the west coast to Hawera again.  We visited the museum there with my folks a year ago, but Don (father-in-law) had not seen it yet.  On the way we stopped in Wanganui and Patea.  I can't tell for sure, but I think a hear an unspoken "aw yuck" in front of Wanganui whenever I mention it.  LOL.  I get the impression that most Kiwi's aren't impressed with the city.  While it doesn't offer a ton, it is nice stopping point and does have a pretty fun kid park with great, dare I say, vintage playground equipment and a whizbang flying fox.  On this trip we did make time to see the local museums which were interesting if not huge.

Patea isn't far north of Wanganui, but is barely a spec on the map... and let me tell you, the specs on NZ maps are specs indeed.  I think Patea is all of 6 blocks long.  Its primary feature is the road to its beach.  There is a river mouth here which was one of the first sea ports used in New Zealand, but this port was completely abandoned in 1956.  Patea certainly hasn't thrived since.  What remans is a partially protected swimming beach with massive waves.  Outside the sea walls you have some of the rawest ocean I've experienced in New Zealand.  Waves larger than a man or 2 men.  This stretch is one of my favourites.  The sand here is deep black with sparkling flecks of mica.  The shore stretches north to high vertical cliffs.  The view is even complete with a ship wreck of some ridiculously old vessel containing a boiler.  Another interesting bit was we found heaps of rock with deep "pock" marks in them.  The kind of thing you'd expect to see in a cave that dripped on soft stone over a million years.  Looking at the cliffs I'm guessing there are a few sea caves there and these rocks probably started in them.  Each place we go has so much to discover.

The Tawhiti Museum continues to be excellent.  They even added something completely new this year.  A Whalers & Traders "river" ride.  They built a huge shed and dug a channel through it for a river.  Then they filled it with life sized scenes of NZ whaling themed events.  There was a ship trading muskets to Moari, gun/cannon fight in the bush, and a Maori village trading with white settlers.  The detail was amazing.  Hawera is barely more than a spec itself--maybe 6 specs collectively.  But this is still one of the best museums covering NZ history that I've found.  Of course, I have not tried to fully explore Auckland yet.  I would expect the countries largest city to have something pretty grand.

On the way home we drove through Palmerston and again I was struck by what nice towns NZ has.  Palmerston had quite a bit of stuff to do for being a "small" city.  This really is small in New Zealand.  But they did have a Harley shop and a Steam Museum which we'll have to check out again later.

Amy and I have managed to get out to a couple movies.  I seem to have no lack of pizza in my life so all is good.

We are waiting for the last bit of immigration paperwork and then I think we're clear.  We're talking tentatively about having Chandler come stay with us in 2011 to go to school here and then swap to have Sabrina for a year too.  I really hope that works out, but it all still discussions for now.

That's the update from the South! Talk at y'all later.

Two and Half Years in New Zealand

This June our original 30 month Work to Residence application is up.  We arrived in Jan 2008 from Overland Park, KS.  We sold our house, gave away about a third of everything we owned and attempted to sell our 2 cars.  At the time of our decision the exchange rate was in the 80's and even with all things considered it was an income cut to move.  We had 6 weeks of a Serviced Apartment booked in Wellington, our 6 suitcases, and the 3 of us.

We found a home to rent in about 3 weeks.  We had a car leased in 4 weeks.  We used the small bit of cash we had to pay for a few new appliances in our home.  A co-worker generously let us borrow a trailer load of "camping" gear to live with until our container arrived.  The rest of our stuff appeared in record time about 6 weeks after we arrived.  No one I've talked to got their stuff faster.  Our son enrolled in Waterloo Primary School and started in Feb with the rest of the class.  Within about 2 months we were, more or less, fully established in Lower Hutt just on the east side of the Wellington harbour.

The first 6 months was a constant exercise in "What is different?" Everything from ketchup, to banking, to eating out, to politics were all different in small to significant ways.  It took a good year before I stopped noticing the differences in everything.  Change is stressful, even when desired and good.  We all struggled at some point.  We missed family.  We missed Mexican food.  We missed the ease we had from familiarity.  It took a while to get used to.

Financially the story gets alarming.  The costs were higher than we expected and we expected high costs.  But we did adjust.  We've not really suffered, but we certainly have prioritized.  The exchange rate dropped from 80 to 60 to 70 then to 50 before making a slow recovery to 70 again; recently it is dropping again below 70.  Dramatic shifts made paying bills difficult and then impossible.  We had to rework a lot of things and even cashed out retirement funds to make settlement payments to the bank.  The worst part was our 2 cars never sold and all we could do was let the finance companies re-claim them.  After 2 and half years, I think we're mostly stable.  We are not losing money, but we are not saving effectively either.  We still rent the same place.  We ended the lease on the NZ car after about year.  It was cheaper to buy one with cash.  Our biggest bills are US debt, Rent, Gas/Electric, and groceries (in that order).

Our story started with a job offer from Telecom NZ so I had employment immediately.  Amy struggled for over a year to find a job.  It proved difficult to get interviews as an immigrant.  However, once you did get hired, work history helped smooth the way for other employment.  In general, the work here has an easier pace compared to the US.  All the employers I've talked to seem to understand a more natural rhythm to families and work.  Holidays are bunched up at the end of the year being summer school vacation, Christmas, New Year's, and Waitangi Day (sort of the NZ founding day).  This makes the work load from November to February pretty light.

New Zealand today (and historically) seems to be shaped by two major themes; small population and geographic remoteness.  Everything seems like a small town.  Truly remote areas are so sparsely populated you might not see another human for miles.  But even a short 45 minute trip out of Wellington can get you to an empty coast line or scenic rolling hills.  Small populations mean small economies.  Folks don't move to NZ to get rich.  It might be comparable to moving to Montana or South Dakota; mostly rural with only a few focal points of wealth.  Being a remote country and really not even "on the way" to anywhere means that, unless you're really trying to get to New Zealand, you won't end up there.  Without the same profit motivations as say, Australia, growth in NZ is slower.  Markets are mostly saturated and there are not going to be "new" markets.  What you see is what you get in New Zealand.

We have watched the politics of NZ unfold around us and we are certainly affected by the changes, but we haven't really participated much.  The long established Labour party was voted out and replaced by the National party.  I don't know that either of them have great platforms... so about the same as the US.

One big change for me is that I can barely read US news sources any more.  The stories are horrific by comparison.  The details of torture, murder, and gruesome death have become just too shocking to read.  The scandals of top politicians, hate mongering, and religious zealotry are hard for me to acknowledge.  I struggle to comprehend that I am from that place.  NZ has its share of social issues, but seems to completely lack carnage, seedy scandal, or extremism.  Violent crimes occur.  Horrible things still happen in bad circumstances.  But there still is plenty of room for other news.

So what now?  Well, we've applied to become Residents.  We have to make all the same immigration hurdles we made the first time.  This is quite expensive to pay for again (well over $3000 total), but should be the last "serious" round of checks.  My job offer with Telecom is indefinite.  I do good work and while Telecom has plenty of problems, I feel like I can make it better.  I don't know how much longer we'll stay.  Perhaps another couple of years.  I would like to take the stability we've had and turn it back in to a retirements savings and investments.  That could take another 5 years.  If that plan worked out, then I think we would all be just fine with it.  Sometimes I wish New Zealand wasn't quite so far away or quite so under populated... but then I remember that New Zealand would be none of the things I love if it was.

The year 2009

     2009, where did it go?  It feels like I rolled over in bed and discovered it was 2010.  "Damn, slept in late!"  Yet, when I think back I can recall a full year of events.
     For me the year started with an amazing hope.  The election in the US rolled across the whole world with a wave of optimism.  At the time, I had not realized how important that election was.  When it happened, I was not prepare for my own feelings of it.  It was good.  Of course, reality being what it is, the world has still struggled in 2009.  I am not envious of Obama's place in history.  I hope he does well.
     We had many fantastic visitors this year.  My folks came down in January, then my Mom again with my kids in June.  My father-in-law, Don, was down in July--as he had the year before.  His sister, Maurine, joined us for a couple of those weeks.  Lastly, and not the least, Amy's step-mom, Cindy, who many thought could never make the trip, flew down for a week to pick up Gabe in December.  He is with all his grandparents now on holiday and will be back in Feb.  If we were to count days, we spent about 3 and half months with visitors in New Zealand.  I spent a week in Kansas in October for the kids' birthdays.  There is something entirely different about visiting with family for many days or weeks.  I remember seeing folks for a single occasion or just a dinner.  We'd chat and have a good time, but it doesn't compare with sharing a home with them for days.  It is a good thing.  I look forward to it.
     Of course we lost many people in 2009.  Two of my good friends lost their fathers.  My dad died in November.  Another dear friend lost her 19 year old son.  Always we are left with more questions than answers.  The world lost many... some good, some bad, and some that were hard to tell.  Humans were terrible to each other in some places and kind in other places with less media attention.  I have no scale to measure this year against other years.  Life remains a perfect balance between tragedy and miracle that is unevenly meted.  May we all find strength when we need it and share joy when we find it.
     My family is doing well.  I found my brother, Nathan, who I had lost for some 20 years.  Not only did I find Nathan, but he had a daughter in October.  My other brother, Justin, added to his family the easy way and adopted Kingsley just this year.  Many family members on my Dad's side have found me and we have talked.  I now have seven children in the generation after me.  Strange to think about.
     I have seen glittering black sand beaches with crashing turquoise and white waves.  I have seen volcanoes in the distance.  In Kiakoura we saw seals and perhaps the most beautiful vistas on Earth.  At the Abel Tasman park I witnessed the most beautiful sunsets of my life.  Each and every day, I have admired the Wellington harbour.  Many days I have sat at a cafe with a view to the water with a cappuccino and marvelled at how good life can be.
     Each year will have its struggles.  2009 was not easy, but I lived.  2010 looks to be a year of greater promise and perhaps greater challenges.  Whatever comes, I will be happy to live it.  When I find joy, I will share it.  When I need strength, I will ask for it.  To all who have made my life wonderful, I give a deeply felt and humble, thank you.

Making a List

     I set out to make a list of things I want out of life; things I want to do.  I was quite surprised how hard this was.  While it seems simple to roll around a mental list of things you might like to have, it is actually quite difficult to come up with things you want purely for yourself.  I performed this exercise because I felt that I may not be sure of what I wanted and thus might not really be focusing on it.  You might be fairly amazed at how thought provoking this can be.  This exercise has 3 rules.

     Rule 1: No wants that require another person to do something.
     You just can not control what other people may do no matter how much you want them to.  Leave these off your list.  Examples to avoid include: "I want Jane to love me", "I want a partner in my life", "I want to make my partner happy."

     Rule 2: No wants that don't directly involve you doing something.
     Examples: "I want world peace", "I want housing costs to be cheaper", or "I want life to be easier".  Basically these are all things that you probably can not achieve directly even if you can help them along.  If you really want to achieve world peace then say something like "I want to volunteer for the UN."

     Rule 3: No negative wants or "I do not wants"
     Examples: "I don't want to be poor", "I want Bob's house to burn down", etc.  Every example I came up with could be restated with a positive want.  If you don't want to be sick, then you want to be healthy and fit.  If you don't want to be afraid anymore, then you want to live bravely.

     This is primarily a set of things you want to actively do or seek in your life.  Now we'll make a separate list for what you want in a partner, but you need to have this list of what you want in life first.  Really write these down.  There is a real significance to seeing what you want written down.  I'd love to hear what you discover about yourself in this.  No one has to share their list.
     A little bit more about why I chose to do this...  For a long time I've been watching the Universe and seeing how it prods us all along on our paths.  I began to realize that while I know the Universe will conspire to deliver our happiness when we seek it, we still get to make our own choices.  I was too caught up in seeking what I was meant to do and not really deciding what I wanted to do.  Thus the list.

Inclusion

All the religions of the world got a few things right.  All the religions of the world got a few things wrong.  All the religions of the world were created by the human race.  The human race was created as part of the Universe.  The Universe includes the human race.  The human race through religion has tended to make itself separate from the Universe.

We tend to plod along imagining that our course is separate from the rest.  We imagine that we are special to other things or that our destiny is our own while the rest of the Universe merely tries to keep up or follow along.  We forget that all things have but a single origin.  All that is, is.  The origin of the tree, the stone, the river, the Sun and all the heavens is the same origin of the human race.  All things were created together to take shape in this Universe; to form and reform; to change.

We can not be separated from it.  We can not be excluded.  We are creatures of it born as part of it.  We are fully capable beings of the Universe.  Everyone and everything has a part.  We are actors and observers.  Our purpose is different from the tree or the stone, but our role is not any more, or less, significant.  While all things are connected we are also unique and travel a different path.

Feel this connection in your life.  We are a part of everything and each other.  In this way knowing yourself is knowing everything.

The Trouble with Twitters

I've discovered a problem with Twitter and Facebook.  While they are great communication tools they have limited or no archive.  One of the most valuable things I thought would result from blogging was the lasting archive of what I wrote.  Much like a diary, I could go back and re-live the things I wrote about.  So while FB and Twitter are awesome for sharing brief moments of my day, they suck at the archive.  There is nothing to be done about though other than just try to write and post more often.

These last 3 months of the year have been crazy.  I have a very active project at work and so many other real-life things that it has nearly squeezed out time for extra things like blogging.  Still I see vast area for improvement.  My time management skills at home could be improved quite a bit.  It is a struggle to keep up with calls and correspondance.  But it is all part of the trade-off of moving to an island.  If i were still in Kansas right now, I'd be freezing inside and probably complaining about all the time needed to go visiting every weekend.  Lives are full no matter what you do *grin*.

Gabe finished a school project.  It is due today.  We did an experiment on evaporation.  While not the most scientific of topics, it did go over the basics of how to do a project.  In case anyone wondered... water does not evaporate all that quickly during a rainy cool week in Wellington by the sea.  Like really not at all.

I have spent a lot of time on personal reflection.  My Dad died which I suppose makes anyone think about things.  But even more than this I have just been thinking about life.  I have not come to any profound conclusion and I am not seeking any specific answers.  I guess it is just good to review things now and then and see if anything needs to be re-filed.

I do want to get back to writing much more.  I know some new tricks.  I know music greatly enhances my muse.  I know I need to chart out when I feel like writing and see what I can do to make myself available for writing in those times.  I suppose it is all steady progress toward a goal.  I find that living each day is just so enjoyable I am not driven to improve things greatly.  I hope this is a good thing and not a sign of complacency or laziness.  I am looking forward to Christmas and a long holiday after.  There are certainly some great advantages to kiwi life :-) .

Aging, as told by George Carlin

George Carlin on aging! (Absolutely Brilliant)

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we would like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!
 
And then the greatest day of your life! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone...

But wait!!! You MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You GET INTO your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's family name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

Eulogy for my Dad

How do you start to write such a thing as the summary of a man’s life?  How can you possibly capture all the friends, family, trials and victories?  I will spend many years thinking about my father’s life and I don’t know that I will ever have a final conclusion to give. 

What I now feel is that this funeral is for the living.  If what we believe is true, then my Dad is looking back now with perfect understanding.  He knows how all of us felt about him and he has been welcomed home.  What I say today will be no surprise to him.  What I hope to do then is give some peace and comfort to those of you here today.

My Dad’s life was hard.  He struggled more than most.  In the end he overcame many challenges.  He became happier.  He was free of the anger he feared most in himself.  But he did not do this alone.

My perspective on my Dad’s life must be skewed by the distance we had.  But even from my view it was obvious that my Dad had the best of friends around him.  These people made the biggest difference in my Father’s life and I want to thank you all.

My Dad worried that he could never be a good husband and father.  His self-doubt kept him from reaching out.  It is hard to recognize the good in such men not because it is not there, but because you must search for it to find it.  Well, Jojo, you found it.  Over 25 years you stuck by my Dad and loved him when he could barely love himself.  You saw the best in him.  He was a hard man to stay by and I thank you for it, Jojo.  I know he loved you and that alone is an amazing thing.

I knew very few of my Dad’s friends by name and I apologize for this.  But the one name I know has been a fixture in my father’s life for as long as I can remember—J.J. You have been with my Dad through all his adult years.  You were there when he was an ornery youth.  You were there when he was a troubled man.  You were there at the end of his life while he was still aware and it mattered most.  You provided shelter and often even the basic means of living.  I can not find words to adequately express how true your friendship has been.  I know my Dad would thank you and so I thank you.  These words are not enough for friends such as you.

Uncle John.  My Dad only has one brother.  I know that the two of you were not always close, but for many years you lived and healed together.  He may have been gruff at times with you.  But at his heart, he wanted you to be happy and free of the struggles you shared.  As brothers you looked after each other.  I know he would be grateful.  He knows you did your best for him.  He would be happiest today if you could leave here free of your burdens.  But after all things, he will always be your brother and he will always be looking out for you.  Thank you, Uncle John.

My Dad has three sisters who, I must confess, I barely know.  But again I could see from afar how much you loved your brother.  I saw how hard you worked to maintain a connection to him.  You have always been accepting, supportive and forgiving.  I have read that Home is the place where when you arrive, they have to let you in.  It is clear that you have always let my Dad in.  You have always let me in.  You have been good sisters.  Thank you.

Lastly, I’d like to thank my Mom for both me and my Dad.  She was never a barrier between my Dad and I.  She was never hard or demanding.  She never judged my Dad.  In all my years she has never said an unkind thing about him.  He was what he was.  He was a good spirit and that was enough.  I know he was grateful and I am grateful.

I know there are many more friends here today who have played large and small parts in my Dad’s life.  I know he cared for all of you.  I know he was thankful to have you and help you.  I think my Dad discovered he was happiest when he could help others.  I am amazed to know that he helped so many when he had so little himself.  This is what I will remember.  The great lesson he has taught is that it is never too late or too little.  Do your best.

My cousin, Carrie, has been here for me and my Dad in planning these last days.  These tasks have not be easy or simple.  With so little to work with she has done an amazing job.  Thank you, Carrie.

These brief words are not enough mark such a life.  I know I have missed many.  I hope you can forgive me.  I am very grateful that you all were part of my Dad’s life.  Carry his memory well and be kind with it.  Thank you for coming today.

Micro-Blog

I have so much I want to write about that I am paralyzed with it.  So in an effort to dislodge I'm going to blast out micro-blogs on each topic.  Hopefully I can expand again later...

My Dad:
Dying, but looking pretty good.  Chemo was stopped so that makes you feel better.  Visit was emotionally complex, but ultimately good.

My Kids:
Totally awesome to see them. Great to spend so much time just following them around from school to home and such.  Good to talk with their teachers.  Field trip with Sabrina was one of the best times I've had.  I put 2000 miles on the car I borrowed from my in-laws (Thanks Judith and Cindy!)

Vegas:
Still the same.  The Bellagio may be my favorite hotel of all time.

The US:
It was actually hard going back.  Vegas didn't help as it is an exaggerated version of all things excess in America.  I was battered by it somewhat.  Everyone I visited with was working harder than before, more stressed, and generally stretched.  It was an incredible favor to be able to stay with Carey and Graham while I was there (thanks!).

Wall Street:
I read an article about how fundamentally illegal market manipulation may have collapsed 3 of the 5 big banks in America.  The article was posted in Rolling Stone which I found odd.  But despite the most glaring and flagrant manipulation no official investigation was underway.  Most concerning is that if you looked at who had the most to gain such an act you would see the other 2 banks.  There were many suspicious dealing by these 2 leading up to the collapse.  I am appalled to now think these crooks will never be held accountable and the money they stole from Americans will never be given back.

NZ History:
I have been reading "The Penguin History of New Zealand" (Penguin is a book publisher here) by Michael King.  It is insightful and well written.  I am delighted to read about the amazing journey NZ has taken.  I am surprised to discover that for at least a generation, NZ did not teach this history which is rich in culture and identity.

NZ Stock Exchange:
I have begun to write letters to the NZX to ask if the scheme above could happen in NZ.  I would push them to make sure it is not.

NaNoWrMo:
Yes, it is coming up.  But I again don't think it is something I can push for.  But I am sure to write some.  I will likely work more on Threshold--the projected I started last NaNoWrMo.

The Ex:
While in the US I also had to work on a new agreement with my ex.  Such things are always stressful, but we worked really well together.  As a result of the compressed schedule we had to spent more time together than we have in probably 10 years.  It was weird, but it was also good to demonstrate how much we had both changed and moved on.

Motorbikes, Trains and Automobiles:
We bought a small cheap car to replace our leased car.  This will give us more cash back per month.  With the motorbike option I can actually commute cheaper than the the train.  But NZ weather can be unpredictable so I keep a 10-trip pass handy for the worst of days.  Overall though, the new set up looks good.  Amy drives the car to work and I take the bike/train.  Gabe goes to good kiwi gal's house after school 3 days a week.

US Shopping:
I did take advantage of US shopping to get a few goods.  Mostly bulk Ibuprofen and Asprin.  But I did stop at a western outfitter and pick up stuff you truly can not get in NZ... I got new boots with silver tips, several western shirts, and new jeans.

Work:
Busy as, but doing well.

Kiwi Spring:
Cold as, bro.

Party I want to have:
I want to host a Battlestar Galactica party featuring a few episodes, a BBQ, and some play of the BSG board game.  Not sure I will... but I think of it fondly.

Strange Dad Karma

Well out of the blue, my mom catches me at work to say "something has happened".  This is never a good thing.  But just minutes before we were joking over statuses in Facebook.  So really in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "How bad could it be?"  But she was being pretty serious.  I had a meeting starting in 5 minutes, but when mom says "something's happened" I couldn't go through a meeting worrying about what it might be so I pressed her to tell me.

My real Dad is in the hospital with terminal lung cancer--just diagnosed.  Our first tiny bit of info is only that he had a few days to a week.  But this is all still very early information.

In light of just making contact with my half-brother, Nathan, I really can't believe the coincidence.  But then I don't really believe the Universe is random.  Nathan needed to find me before Dad died. 

It is all a bit of a mess of odd feelings right now.  In no particular order it goes something like this... I haven't seen or talked to my Dad in about 8 years.  You could measure the time we've spent together in the last 14 years on one 12 hour clock.  My Dad has smoked unfiltered Pall Mall's (at least a pack a day) for at least 40 years.  I don't think he smoked them because he couldn't quit... I don't think he ever really tried to quit.  I don't hold this against him really.  He wanted to be a smoker and he was.  I could rush home to catch him before he goes and probably stay for his funeral, but I find myself questioning why I should do such a thing.  Not saying I will or won't... just questioning.  Questioning is conflicted on many levels.

I called my Dad in the hospital.  We talked for about 15 minutes.  He wanted to make sure I knew he always loved me.  That was good--I did always know this.  I told him that I had moved to New Zealand and I wasn't sure what was possible yet.  I told him I found Nathan and we were talking.  I told him I'd make sure Nathan knew what was happening.  I asked him who was with him.  He said just his nurses and doctors.  I asked about his brother, John--where was he? He said he didn't think John would be awake.  That was a bit surreal.  Dad said he was used to being alone now.  He said he had mellowed and now had more friends than enemies.  Hey, that's good... but where were they?  I don't think Dad will tell them.  He's not a great communicator.

I still have a lot to think about.  To friends and family that may read this and worry about what to say... don't worry.  I'd rather talk to y'all than have you stay away!  Take care!

An inconvenient memory

When I was 15, my Dad picked me up for a summer vacation.  He was a truck driver at the time and really it was just a chance to ride with him while he worked.  I had not seen him in a couple years before this.  My folks divorced when I was 7 and Dad seemed to come by less and less often until it just seemed he wasn’t coming back.  But here he was ready to take a long trip.

I wasn’t a kid with a grudge though.  I was happy to go with him.  The truck was cool and a long road trip sounded like fun.  It was really a pretty cool vacation.  I think we crossed the country about 3 times in 6 weeks.  Dad drove and I would ride as a passenger when there was something cool to look at.  I would sleep in the cab when there wasn’t.  Truckstops always had something new and cool to look at.  That year the “High Speed” pinball machine was released.  I played a lot of that game.

Somewhere in the middle of that vacation we stopped in Oklahoma.  My Dad had a new son with a gal he met on the road, Diane.  His name was Nathan and he was only about 3 months old.  I was 15.  My mom had my sister when I was 11.  I was pretty good with babies.  Nathan seemed alright.  I got to hold him a few times before we left.  I didn’t know what was going to happen next.

Eventually the trip ended and Dad dropped me off at home.  It had been a great adventure.  But Dad seemed pretty upset.  He wiped away some tears with an old towel in his truck.  He didn’t really want to come to the door.  I thought I understood.  We hugged and he said goodbye.

When someone completely exits your life you don’t really know it the moment it happens.  Dad had been away for a couple of years.  I didn’t expect to get phone calls right away.  Months went by… then years… Dad more or less disappeared.  I’d hear a rumor or two that he’d been in town.  Someone would claim to have seen him somewhere.  But he never called.

Soon I was 19 and moving out.  Life was so busy and full.  So many things just happen.  Where Dad was didn’t bother me too much.  When I did think about it I would just assume he was around and would show up again someday.  More months and more years… No Dad.

At 24 I got a phone call from a cousin on Dad’s side of the family.  I didn’t really keep up with them much as there was no one really to take me around to visit.  My Dad’s family wasn’t all that close anyway.  It had been a pretty hard life for most of them.  She called to tell me my Dad was in the hospital.  He was going in for heart surgery.  She thought I should go talk to him.

I did.  I sat with him in his recovery room and we talked a while.  He was in pretty great spirits.  He was happy to see me and we talked like it really hadn’t been 10 years since I’d seen him.  More months went by… more years… No Dad.

I began to hold a grudge.

About 10 years later I tracked him down and went to see him.  We talked on the phone a couple times first.  I brought my kids by to see him.  He was so happy to see his grandkids.  But we didn’t stay all that long.  Dad was still heavy smoker and the kids were little and were in to everything.  Dad’s apartment was cluttered with little hazards—like insulin needles.  I suppose it wasn’t really these hazards that kept me away though.  If I had to be honest, I’d have to admit that I felt cheated.  I think he would have loved to spend more time with the kiddos.  It wasn’t fair he wanted to see them and had let so many years of my life go by with so little.

I think I must have recognized this as an “unresolved problem” and I sought him out again—without the kids.  We talked a bit.  I can’t even recall what we talked about.   I gave him a NASCAR jacket.  I knew he would like it.  It felt good to give my Dad a present.  We went to one of his AA meetings.  It was emotional like those meetings often are.  So many years gone by, so much wasted.

By now I had moved to Kansas City.  Visits home were packed with family and friends and just always seemed too short to visit Dad.  Months went by… then years.

I had to go through my own divorce. After a couple years I re-married.  I adopted my wife’s son.  I moved to New Zealand.  I didn’t share any of this with Dad.  As far as I know, he’s still back home doing whatever he’s done for 30 years.

But remember Nathan at the beginning of this story?  Three months old then he’s 23 years old now.  He is married and has a daughter on the way.  He found me on Facebook and sent me a note.  Dad pretty much disappeared on him too.

There is far more about Nathan that I don’t know than I know.  But I am glad he found me.  While I live a bit too far away to stroll down to Oklahoma to visit, I won’t lose him.  I won’t lose more months and more years. He doesn't deserve that--neither do I.

More on Health Care

Let’s break this health care thing down in to something real rather than pound our podiums about “communism” and “Nazis”.  Wild assertions that the President really wants “death boards” or to destroy the Constitution are whacko.  The President wants no one in America to have to suffer without health care.  That’s the goal.  Address the goal.  Is this bill going to deliver this or not? Should we deliver this as a nation or not?  These are valid questions.  But let me suggest something concrete.  I will even use myself as an example—not even a “wild” example.

I am 39 years old and by the US insurance definition, I am “uninsured.”  That is, no American based insurance system has my coverage.  That means that if anything were to go wrong with my health now, the US based health care system would deny all coverage of it.

My son is 12 and covered by my ex-wives health care in the US.  He has a chronic medical condition that will require care his whole life.  But under current regulations, most insurance companies will see what it has cost to cover him over the course of his whole life.  Once an arbitrary “lifetime maximum” value is met, they can all deny him coverage.  Even if this limit were lifted, he will be forced to work for a large corporate employer who must cover him with their plan.  He will never be able to work independently or start his own business—the cost of self-coverage would be too high *and* they can deny covering pre-existing conditions.  You see the rules are different when you are a individual that when you are a member of a corporation.

These are not fictional situations.  This is me and my life.  My choices for me and my son are work as a slave to a Corporation or die an early death bankrupt.  That’s the America we live in.  Work for a corporation, give all your income to them, or go to an early grave with nothing to pass on your children.  I can not imagine a more un-American concept.

You can not apply Capitalism to this system.  “Deregulating” health care will eliminate some red-tape which will remove some costs.  This is not insignificant.  But the flaw isn’t in the government oversight.  The flaw is that economic laws can not be applied to human life.  Again I will say that when the product being sold is Life, then the demand is infinite and the supply limited.  This means you will pay any amount to get Life to exclusion of all other goods.  The “market” will be split between those that can afford to pay and those who can not.  Failure to pay will mean early death and economic ruin for your family.  Even if we could as a culture buy in to such a system, I can not imagine we would choose it.

For decades now, Americans have believed their health care system is the best; that the whole world wants to come to America for a variety of reasons including the great health care.  This belief is false.  Many around the world are appalled at how we treat the poor and visitors to our country.  Sure some of the very rich will fly in to Boston for world-class medical care.  But 99.999% of Americans will never need that care and many that need it will never get it because it will be denied by their insurance companies.

The American system can deny any treatment that proves unprofitable.  They can drop anyone who suddenly becomes gravely ill.  They can plunge any family in to a nightmare of litigation over claims in order to "save costs."  They can pay dozens of professionals to work 24x7 to keep your petitions from being actioned.  They can do this because it makes money.  Because it is good Capitalism. 

The whole point of this health care bill today is not to establish an unchangeable medical system that will cripple America.  The point of this change is to establish that Americans have a guaranteed right to health care regardless of who they chose to work for, regardless of where they live, and regardless of their income bracket.  We can work out the financials and policies as we go.  But we have to start here.  All Americans are granted the right to Live.  The Constitution doesn't officially grant us this right.  But also true is that the Constitution says *nothing* about the right to Capitalism.  Capitalism does not equal Freedom.  Capitalism in business is fabulous.  Capitalism as the judge of human life is not.

We the People have established this Consitution of the United States.  We the People entrust the government to promote the general Welfare.  We the People should be granted Life by our government.

The Best Vacation

     I think this vacation might have been the best I have ever had.  I don’t have any way to measure all the wonderful vacations I’ve experienced before and I can’t be 100% sure that other great vacation might not be better, but these last few weeks with my mom, Chandler, and Sabrina have been cherished.
     I had not physically seen my two oldest kiddos for a whole year.  I last saw them in June 2008.  They had their birthdays in October.  We did not get to spend Christmas together.  Spring Break passed us by.  But with a similar effort necessary to capture a hurdling comet, we took a chance opportunity to fly them here to Wellington.
     I’ve posted some pictures and one small story about an excursion.  I will probably post more.  But what I will remember most is the days and days of endless giggling between all three of the kids.  Gabe, Chandler, and Sabrina spent hours just laughing and playing together.  All day they could just goof.  No matter what we actually did as “An Activity” for the day, they always played.
     I have come to realize that no sound is more loved than the assortment of clunks, giggles and snorts of 3 kids tumbling about.
     I had to take our visitors to the airport yesterday.  I am so happy to have this short time with them.  It still hurts to see them go.  One of those things I can not change.  Missouri just is not close to New Zealand.
     I find myself wishing I could explain it all to them.  To tell them that there will always be plenty of space in my life for them--that I would love nothing more than to have them stay.  But I don’t want them to feel like they have to choose and I know that children love both parents with all their hearts.  I know they wonder why I can’t just live next door to them.  But that is a very long explanation full of adult complexities.  Sometimes I wish someone could explain it to me too.  Not because I don’t understand it, I just don’t know exactly how to express it.
     Our lives are a baffling mix of self-determination and fate.  No parent can give everything that a child wants to them.  I am humbled by the realization that what we fail to give them probably shapes them more significantly than what we do give them.  I will always do everything I can for them.  I hope they don’t judge me too harshly on what I couldn’t give them.  This mix of fate and decision has moved us very far apart.  But I love them just the same.
     They are probably just arriving home about now.  Hope they had a safe and easy journey.  I hope the rest of the summer is magical for them—in the same way that I remember the long slow days of summer.  I will call and write often.  We will make everything ready for them to come again soon.
    Thanks, Mom, for bringing them to us! I know it’s hard to navigate all those airports with kids.  I can not really tell you how grateful I am for it. Thanks to Tom too for putting up with you being gone for month!  Gabe, Amy and I can not wait to see you all again.  Take care and talk to you soon!

Multiply needs an Update / Care a litte More

So Multiply has not be inspiring me to write much.  I find the site clunky and its applications dated (by Internet standards).  I suppose I shouldn’t be so unforgiving, but I guess I’m being honest.

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However, I have far too much content on this site to consider moving it all (yet).  I also don’t have another site in mind.  Multiply does do some things I still like.  I do want to have blogs, photos, and videos all accessible from one site.  But I do wish I had better control over the layout.  I know Multiply uses CSS and that should I get “serious” about this I could dive in to it.  But I don’t want to.  I want a tool with some customizable themes.  I don’t want to code.

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I am regularly updating Facebook, Twitter, and occasionally my game blog on blogspot.  But this remains my “main” place for general family news and personal ramblings.

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I have also been busy resolving the issues mentioned in previous blogs and doing lots of planning for family to start arriving in June through August!

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The weather here as turned a bit cold early.  For NZ this is full on winter weather.  For you in Kansas/Nebraska you would recognize it as blustery Fall days--windy and often rainy.  But we get a handful of sunny mild days in between.  My step-dad says the weather in NZ is always a choice between “t-shirt or jacket”.  Well it seems to always be a jacket day and often a scarf too.  It is too windy for anything other than the stoutest and most aerodynamic of head gear.  I wear sunglasses more as wind shields than sun screen.

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Theoretically, I am supposed to travel to Christchurch tomorrow.  That’s about mid-way down on the South Island.  While it would be cool to go, it is actually supposed be dumped on with snow and I just received a notice that our offices there have lost power—probably due to high winds.  This is not promising.  But I think it has been nearly 2 years since I last saw snow.—at least Dec 2007.  I wouldn’t mind seeing NZ in the snow as long as I didn’t end up sleeping in an airport.

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New Zealand continues to be inspirationally beautiful every day.  I sometimes pop on to Google News to check on the ol’ USA and nearly always I am so shocked and horrified that I stop and retreat back to kiwi-sized social problems.  After 18 months away, I have lost my de-sensitivity to horrific tragedies.  I actually find it painful to read sometimes—images I can not erase from my mind.  Of course tragedies happen all over the world.  But… not everywhere in the world to the same degree.  I can mentally reconcile that Somalia (for example) has horrible things happening as it is poverty stricken, war torn, and perceived to be politically “unimportant”.  Somalia in no way deserves these qualities and the violence there is not justified, but to read of tragedy in my home country where there is wealth, education, and relative security… it shakes my faith. 

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The rest of the world must boggle at why such problems exist in America.  Americans just assume “everybody has problems.”  Well, of course, but what we fail to realize is that other countries of similar culture and education do *not* have mass high school shootings, torture, and millions of unprotected (healthcare) citizens.  These are not the “costs of freedom.”  If they were, then I say they are very poor trade.

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What are the solutions? Well, I can’t fix America from a blog.  But I would start by suggesting we weep.  That we really look and comprehend the depth of these problems—not to punish ourselves, but rather to humble ourselves.  These are our problems.  We are responsible for them.  We can still be proud of the great things we’ve done while owning our flaws as well.  Only by accepting and acknowledging these faults can we begin to address them.  We have developed steel personalities that can look at death tolls causally with thoughts like “only 14 killed… that’s 20 less than last week…” We read stories of children dying from lack of healthcare and think, “well those parents should have had better insurance or better jobs.”  How callus we have become.  We needed to be.  How could one live in the US and not?  But we have to care again.  We can not just become harder and harder.  The answer is really the reverse.  We need to be wounded and healed, not more impervious.

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I hope all of you are well.  I hope tragedy stays far from you all.  There is much to be hopeful for.  I am greatly looking forward to our June/July/August visitors!  Talk to y'all again soon!

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EDIT: Sorry for the weird "." between paragraphs... one of the "clunks" I was talking about on Multiply.  Pasting from Word to a Post messes up the formats.

All things Domestic, Large and small.

Life can be interesting and mundane at the same time. 

For example, a failing dishwasher is quite mundane.  Ours has been dying a slow death for the past year.  We have just recently decided to ask our lease holder to fix it up.  No worries, just a lot of scheduling and communication.  A detail, but it keeps you busy.

Next the gas fireplace has a tendency to blow out.  This would be even more mundane in the US where the fireplace is purely ornamental.  But in NZ that sucker is life giving heat for the whole house.  It warms up alright, but then it will try to idle, but instead it blows out.  So you have to go hit the restart button when ever you feel cold rather than having it maintain a reasonable temp.  Also a scheduling detail.

On the more interesting front, I have had to do a lot of financial manipulation and legal processing.  Painful, delicate, and stressful.  But I think the bank is finally satisfied.  We still have issues to resolve, but we have solved at least 2/3rds of our financial debts.  Of course this was necessary to support child support legal obligations and that's the lawyer part.  Having shunted all resources to only paying child support can only pay part of it.  The reality is my income has not increased in 8 years and has dramatically reduced in the last year.  Time to re-calculate.

But on the upside, the kids are coming to visit in June with my mother.  This was one of the main goals for me in this move was not only to visit, but be able to bring them here to see it.  We've had far more visitors than I've expected which has been wonderful.  I really hope that Chandler and Sabrina love the experience.  I am pretty sure they will.

While we are heading in to winter here, most days are still pretty nice.  In the last week we've had more rain, but no chills.  It is, if anything, a bit muggy.  New Zealand was designed to be damp.  Every plant seems to double as a sponge.  Green covers everything in the shape of moss, lichen, algae, and things in between.  A few trees shed their leaves, but you would hardly notice.  Green is still everywhere you look and flower continue to bloom.  Days are noticably short now.  It is near dark when I walk home from the train.  But the walk is no less beautiful.

We'll see the kids in June and then we'll see Poppop and Aunt Mo in July.  Don wants to stay through the first week in August to be here for Gabe's birthday.  Along about July the Winter Festivals start with fireworks and fairs.  I almost feel like putting up Christmas lights.  So lots of things to do.  Hopefully all goes smoothly for me and for you!