Early Memories of my Father...

My parents divorced when I was about 7 years old.  These things happen and there are always good reasons for it and it is never fair.  Now I am divorced and visiting my kids.  Is there a pattern?  Probably.  Is it the same? No.  Will I make the same mistakes? No, I am sure I will come up with entirely new mistakes.  Regardless of patterns, good reasons, or discussion of world fairness, I thought I would capture at least a few of the earliest memories I have of my father.  Before I dig in, I will say that I have always loved my father.  It has only been in the last 6 years of my life that I have really been able to concretely see some of the flaws.  I still love my Dad.  These are just fragments--all of them before the age of 7.

This will sound bad... but the first thing I remember is my Dad setting the house on fire--more specifically the living room rug.  He put it out quickly.  I don't recall anything afterwards.  I think I was 2.

In an entirely different house, I remember seeing my Dad in his underwear sitting on the couch pretty much zoned out.  I think it must have been early morning.  I see a very similar look each morning in the mirror before coffee.

I remember seeing him refine pot, roll joints and smoke a lotta dope.  He laughed a lot.  There were usually a lot of friends around.

Several times at bed time, I would come out of my room in my underwear before going to bed.  On at least one occassion, during a pot party, my Dad pants me in front of everyone.  I yelped, yanked up my tighty whities and backed away.  Then someone else pants me.  I yelped and jumped away back to my Dad and then he pants me again.  That happened about 8 times until I was hysterically crying and fled to my Mom in the kitchen.  It wasn't that big a deal in retrospect... but it is one memory I wish I didn't have.

One night a neighbors cat got in our house.  My Dad was really mad.  I really don't know why.  He grabbed the cat and literally drop kicked it out the front door.

I remember my Dad putting together a slot car racing set I got for Christmas.  We raced the cars around for hours.

I had a lot of legos as a kid.  I showed my Dad a picture of a car on one of my sets.  I begged him to make it.  There were no instructions for it.  It was just a picture.  He was reluctant, but he tried.  It looked just like the picture when he was done.  I was so amazed.  It was perfect.

One morning our milk was just a nudge sour.  Not like really sour, but almost sour.  At 5 or 6, I really didn't know how to describe this and I didn't want to drink my milk.  Dad hit the roof.  He said I was lying.  Said he would drink it and if it wasn't sour, I'd get a woopin.  Well he drank it and I he roared that it wasn't sour.  But mom kept him from wooping me.  He yelled a lot and then left.

I had Hot Wheels as a kid complete with the orange tracks for them.  When I'd done something fairly terrible, Dad would use one of those race tracks to whip me.  It was probably just about the same a belt.  It hurt awful.

I remember visiting my Dad in jail.  He was really strung out.  He didn't really talk or recognize us.

I remember my Dad leaving because of the divorce.  I cried for a long time.  I can't even really say why.  I knew I would see him often.  I knew he loved me.  I never felt bad about anything he'd done (at that time).  I had other friends that had divorced parents.  But still I cried... harder than I ever remember crying before or since.

My Dad is almost 60 years old now.  He has a mostly broken back from working as a truck driver.  His heart is shot (quadruple bypass surgery about 10 years ago).  He has diabetes. He still smokes a pack of unfiltered Pall Malls every day.  He is jobless due to his health, has no savings or insurance, but does get some social security.  The only reason he isn't in prison is they could not provide for his health care.  But then he's been clean for over 10 years now.  He attends AA meetings nearly everyday.  He has sponsored many.  He's getting by. 

We haven't talked in about 4 years... maybe 6.  There is a lot that has occured between when I was 7 and now.  These were only early memories.  I thought of them this week as I spent my vacation with my 2 kids.

I remember once after my folks divorced that my Dad took me out to the movies on Saturday and we saw 3 movies in one day.  It was sooo cool.  This last week I took my son to see Iron Man.  It was a great movie.  He didn't notice the tears.

I struggle now to make only happy memories for them.  I know I can't undo or erase things.  I have no idea what they will remember their whole lives.  But I hope it is some of the good things.  I have never done a great many things my Dad did so hopefully they will have a better overall collection.

If I could give you anything out of this, perhaps just these two things... Your kids will not recognize your flaws for years to come--you can probably fix them before they notice! Second, always remember that some of the things you do will be remembered for their whole lives--you can't predict what they will latch on to.